I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
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I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!