What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
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[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
me after drinking all the wine:
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you