Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
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Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting