You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
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My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Spell check is for lasers.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?