Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
You Might Also Like
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”