8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
You Might Also Like
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning