[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
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hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.