him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
so i’m at the stock market right
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.