[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.