whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
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I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.