Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
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Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.