genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
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Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry