I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
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I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
subtitles are so good nowadays
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now