Friday
You Might Also Like
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?