Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
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if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Storm Tropical Storm
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers