Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
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Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
We like the way Dwight thinks