Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
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The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair