[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
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I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that