“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
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Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.