Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
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Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey