I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
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*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Geez man, take it easy.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*