Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
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“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Digital security in Ancient Troy
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.