“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
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A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I had to Stop for this
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Going into Monday like
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.