“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
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You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
dictator is short for richard potato
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Never forget.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!