You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
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[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Uh oh…
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.