[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
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list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.