Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
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John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
These aliens are taking forever.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.