HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
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Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”