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My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]