[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
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Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Never ghost your hitman.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO