waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
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Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.