I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Potatoes were such a good idea
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore