Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
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Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”