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her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there