That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
You Might Also Like
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.