My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
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GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us