I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
You Might Also Like
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Worst bar ever.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Nice try Hitler
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
he was correct
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits