8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
You Might Also Like
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.