What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
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Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess