Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
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GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
My new favorite headline
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
This is my cat’s medicine.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]