“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
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[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Personal question. #JustSaying
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.