Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
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Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.