very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
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Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.