When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
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Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher