“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
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If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
So glad we cleared that up
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.