Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
You Might Also Like
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
<- sleeps well with others
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
all that yoga finally paid off
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.