[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
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Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I like long walks away from everyone
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey