Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
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Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.