Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
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Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host