I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
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Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.